


Demon's Lexicon chat with crossover crackfic

by azurelunatic



Category: The Demon's Lexicon - Sarah Rees Brennan, Twilight - Meyer
Genre: Crack, chatfic, rough, slapstick violence, violence to Mary Sues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-18
Updated: 2009-11-18
Packaged: 2017-10-03 06:50:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azurelunatic/pseuds/azurelunatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Demon's Lexicon chat with crossover crackfic</p><p> </p><p>So somehow I have turned some of the regulars in The Demon's Lexicon chat into fans of <a href="http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html">Growing Up Cullen</a>. The following is not-particularly-sane product of this intersection.</p><p> </p><p><strong>Things you need to know going in:</strong></p><p><strong>Nick</strong> is a very disturbed young man who is also kind of a badass. He is a womanizer, a troublemaker, and hangs out with the bad boys when he goes to a school and needs a social crowd.</p><p><strong>Edward</strong> is a ~*beautiful*~ ~*vampire*~. Also a bit of a priss.</p><p><strong>The Chat</strong> has an obsession with chocolate, fever fruit, and general hilarity. Chatter goes on for a while before the crossover starts. I have spell-checked this a bit, but not much more than that.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Demon's Lexicon chat with crossover crackfic

**Author's Note:**

> Demon's Lexicon chat with crossover crackfic
> 
>  
> 
> So somehow I have turned some of the regulars in The Demon's Lexicon chat into fans of [Growing Up Cullen](http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html). The following is not-particularly-sane product of this intersection.
> 
>  
> 
> **Things you need to know going in:**
> 
> **Nick** is a very disturbed young man who is also kind of a badass. He is a womanizer, a troublemaker, and hangs out with the bad boys when he goes to a school and needs a social crowd.
> 
> **Edward** is a ~*beautiful*~ ~*vampire*~. Also a bit of a priss.
> 
> **The Chat** has an obsession with chocolate, fever fruit, and general hilarity. Chatter goes on for a while before the crossover starts. I have spell-checked this a bit, but not much more than that.

Eva: But the knives and swords are possibly more efficient, even as bribes.

Playwithfyr: true...

Playwithfyr: you could use chocolate to procure knives

Playwithfyr: small ones

Azz: or knives to procure chocolate.

Playwithfyr: (:

Playwithfyr: very true

Eva: And then the problem disappears when the chocolate arrives and the knives leave?

Playwithfyr: with any luck (:

Eva: i suppose if it were a relationship problem

Eva: that's sort of occult

Eva: sometimes.

Azz: Nick is a walking relationship problem

Eva: More chocolate should be added to his walk then

Playwithfyr: very true

Playwithfyr: possibly melted...

Eva: Exactly!

Eva: I mean yes possibly

Playwithfyr: (:

Azz: yes!

Playwithfyr: woo!

Eva: When do those fics enter the fandom?

Eva: :)

Playwithfyr: when you write them (:

Eva: Oh dear, but we all want quality fic don't we?

Playwithfyr: if it involves Nick covered in chocolate, I'll take whatever (:

Azz: Yes!

Azz: Nick, covered in chocolate, with fever fruit that is also covered in chocolate.

Playwithfyr: and fever fruit wine

Azz: Yes!

Azz: And possibly other kinds of wine as well!

Playwithfyr: and lasagna

Azz: and sandwiches

Azz: and baklava

Playwithfyr: sounds like a plan (:

Azz: Nick might find the combination of molten chocolate and silk sheets illogical

Azz: after all, you are going to have to wash them

Playwithfyr: or we could use them to tie up magicians

Azz: oo!

Playwithfyr: particularly the James Mcavoy type magicians

Playwithfyr: (:

Eva: The magicians might find the food combinations illogical, especially the Mcavoy ones, who are unlikely to have ever been pregnant

Azz: Nick doesn't strike me as a romantic.

Azz: Nick would probably be happy with a reasonably private alley that wasn't too dirty.

Azz: Alan is a romantic all the way.

Playwithfyr: g2g for a bit

Azz: see you later!

Eva: So the chocolate should be for Alan? see ya

Azz: Yes, Alan would appreciate it properly.

Azz: Although he would still fuss about laundry.

Eva: Well he would just have to stay really still and it would have to be applied very carefully. A time consuming process no doubt.

Azz: Yes. :D

Eva: It would also have to be removed equally carefully.

Azz: Yes. With attention to detail.

Eva: Because of the sheets and laundry. No need to cause _that_ kind of fuss.

telks from x.x.x.51 joined the chat 4 hours ago

Azz: Although Alan probably knows when it's time to use the good sheets and when it's time to use the sheets where you don't mind them getting a bit chocolatey.

Eva: Those with the chocolate and the Alan should know at any rate

Azz: Yes. :D

Azz: I wonder if Alan is fussy about what type of chocolate he licks off someone.

Azz: I would imagine that Alan might have expensive tastes if he had the budget to indulge them, but if he doesn't, then he knows exactly what the best bargain chocolate is.

Azz: and where to get lots of roses

Azz: and how to come by nice sheets at less than a small fortune

Azz: (Although I fear I may be overestimating the amount that Alan actually has sex.)

Eva: If he's a romantic and interested in saving money perhaps he knows these things by observation, every time they move he happens to see where the flowers are and such

Azz: He does his research!

Azz: Responsibly!

Azz: He takes note of these things while shopping, and notes unguarded fields where one may pick lovely flowers for free!

Eva: All this does not require an estimation of how much sex is involved in his life.

Eva: Well, it could

Azz: It makes me happy that Nick makes references to getting some. :D

Eva: So the estimation is done for us and we can stalk for other reasons?

Azz: I ... think so?

Azz is reaching a certain point of exhaustion

Eva: Whys that? Is it late where you are?

Azz: My sleep schedule may have been attacked by evil magicians, and it's 4 in the morning.

Eva: That's when I went to sleep this morning. You should maybe fight the magicians for your schedule

Azz: It is an ongoing battle!

Azz: They have been pursuing me my whole life!

Eva: They do that you know, you should seek help. Who is good at dealing with evil magicians, oh Nick and Alan, isn't that lucky?

Azz: Amazing coincidence, that!

Eva: You know if you need someone to come with you when you visit I have the same ongoing problem.

Azz: By all means! Let us make it a group trip!

Azz: I thought I was being so clever when I noticed that Nick was dyslexic before it was mentioned.

Azz: Then I felt very silly when the reason became apparent.

Eva: Well if you hadn't noticed, perhaps you would have felt sillier.

Azz: But demons have no need to pass spelling tests!

Eva: They do if they have to go to regular schools.

Eva: Or want to please their family member.

Azz: I KILLED THIS SPELLING TEST FOR YOU, ALAN

Azz: IT WHIMPERED IN SUBMISSION AND THEN DIED

Azz: SEE HOW IT IS BLEEDING, ALL OVER?

Eva: Alan would understand.

Azz: Yes. He would ruffle Nick's hair and find cookies.

Azz: BUT ARE YOU NOT PROUD OF MY EFFORTS, ALAN?

Azz: (it is a sad and scary thing that Nick is occasionally crossing in my head with Growing Up Cullen)

Eva: If he smiled while looking for the cookies then Nick would have probably thought the mission was a success

Azz: Yes.

Azz: (I would not want to see what would happen if Nick and Edward Cullen were ever in a class together.)

Eva: Don't lie, you would want to see.

Azz: (well, yes)

Azz: (I just wouldn't want to be present)

Azz: (entrails would probably be strewn about)

Azz: (perhaps not either of theirs)

Eva: So long as they are not ours either, as we are not present.

Azz: Exactly.

Eva: But we are informed.

* * *

 

Azz: Edward would be ~*brooding darkly*~

Azz: Nick would swagger into class

Eva: The atmosphere would change.

Azz: Nick would run a calculating eye over the class, sizing up everyone present in an instant

Eva: The teacher might reconsider their field and go for something safer like deepsea fishing

Azz: (tonight, on The Deadliest Catch: Demons &amp; Vampires!)

Eva: Edward would notice the sizing up and not be impressed with Nick's conclusions about his person.

Azz: Edward would ~*become instantly aware*~

Azz: and ~*casually straighten his tie*~

Azz: ("What a fucking prat," Nick muttered, not quite under his breath.)

Eva: The more clever, students would edge toward the exits, while the mary-sues stayed to watch and perhaps intervene -it is their entrails we see later-

Azz: All the Bad Boys recall that there was something actually rather urgent that they needed to attend to behind the shed.

Eva: And all the Bad Girls thought that whatever was taking place behind the shed could certainly involve them

Azz: heh.

Azz: and the studious ones accidentally left something in their lockers.

Eva: Or in a library, maybe not at this school

Eva: The male and female Sues see the class has emptied.

Azz: A female Sue tries to introduce herself to Nick

Eva: She swishes her hips her hair and flutters her eyelashes

Eva: She forgets to actually say anything

Eva: Nick is not impressed.

Azz: Nick is intrigued, and under ordinary circumstances might consider an hour with her, but right now she's distracting him from That Thing Back There

Azz: (but no, not actually impressed)

Azz: (he can get tarts like that anywhere)

Eva: (it is the silence that intrigues him)

Azz: (maybe this one will not chatter so alarmingly when he shags her)

Azz: (usually they twitter and coo)

Eva: Edward is not impressed that Nick is distracted.

Azz: Edward ~*clears his throat*~

Eva: Nick ignores the tart.

Azz: "What's your deal, fruit-pie?" he asks the thing in the back of the room. It helped to start out letting them know that you knew that they were up to something.

Azz: (oh, Nick. "fruit-pie"? that's what you're choosing to call this guy? At least he is not calling him "cupcake".)

Eva: (at least he starts it, Edward might just have sat there with his straightened tie and scrapbooks the whole class otherwise)

Eva: (feeling wronged)

Azz: (yet Noble)

Eva: (yet annoyed)

Azz: (and very prissy)

Azz: ~"I do not have a 'deal',"~ Edward says. ~"And my Christian name is Edward. You may call me Cullen."~

Eva: Nick shrugs, "I can also call you fruit-pie."

Eva: (again at least it is not "cupcake")

Azz: Nick advances, and lounges against a desk.

Eva: The Sue's still in the room want part of the tension.

Eva: And the sexy lounging Nick.

Eva: One advances towards Edward -as that's where Nick is focused.

Eva: (I'm really only watching for the entrails... that's why the Sues stay)

Azz: Edward does not look at her, yet is ~*suddenly aware*~ of her presence.

Eva: Edward gets up and addresses Nick, "You ought to reconsider."

Azz: "I can look at you if I want to, fruit-pie," Nick says, altering his lounge to something that still looks casual, but is braced for takeoff.

Eva: "You can look at me" murmurs the Sue in her best 'ravish-me' voice.

Azz: Edward puts out a well-manicured hand and ~*gently but firmly*~ shoves the Sue away from him.

Eva: The Sue pouts and moves towards Nick

Azz: Nick ignores her; his eyes are fixed on Edward (fruit-pie).

Eva: "You leave me no choice" Edward recites.

Eva: Nick waits for a moment.

Eva: Before deciding that the fruit-pie needs further provocation

Azz: (Nick was vaguely aware that this is a point when other, normal, boys would have some witty remark to make. He can feel the blood burning in his veins.)

Eva: (Nick is less impressed with the fruit-pie and is reconsidering the tart)

Azz: "So what say we blow off class and enjoy ourselves?" he says, indicating the tart.

Azz: (The tart looks intrigued at the possibility of being the filling in a lasagna/fruit-pie sandwich.)

Eva: The tart's thrill ends when Edward irritated at being ignored so quickly makes a sudden movement

Azz: Startled, Nick launches himself at Edward

Eva: Edward reacts by lunging forward

Azz: They smack heads.

Azz: Fortunately, Nick's head is hard.

Eva: Fortunately so is Edwards

Eva: Unfortunately the tarts was not

Eva: She is slightly crushed on the classroom floor.

Azz: bleeding

Eva: But ignored by Nick, Edward and the other Sues

Azz: Nick growls and takes some healthy punches at Edward.

Eva: Edward throws Nick to the ground and attempts not to snarl

Azz: Nick kicks.

Eva: Edward's tie is askew

Azz: The tart has bled on Nick somewhat.

Eva: Nick thinks Alan might not appreciate the extra work with the laundry.

Azz: Edward attempts to subdue Nick.

Azz: However, one of the other Sues has gotten in the way.

Eva: The Sue had wanted to be at the center of it all and is now very centered.

Eva: Reconsidering their Sue-ness as it were

Azz: Also very being strangled.

Eva: That too

Eva: Nick uses the moment get to his feet.

Azz: Edward has sort of toppled over.

Eva: Another Sue thinks that means he is in need of their assistance and rushes forward

Eva: Only to be hit with the chair that Nick just threw

Eva: (Its a classroom, chairs were to hand alright?)

Azz: (yes)

Azz: The Sue who was sitting in the chair is now sitting unhappily on the floor.

Eva: But there is no sympathy forthcoming from the bleeding Sue the strangled Sue or the one with the broken ribs.

Azz: Not one little bit.

Azz: The combat scene continues to ensue. The Sues who are down continue to get trampled.

Eva: They call for timeouts and attempt to seduce, tease, reason with or put down either of the combatants but are ignored.

Azz: One of the brighter Sues calls 999 on her cellphone.

Eva: She explains that there are two extremely gorgeous boys fighting over her

Eva: The operator tells her the police are not designed to sort out teens love lives

Azz: "Like, with fighting and everything!" she says, sounding very alarmed.

Eva: The operator sounds bored and inquires what injuries the boys have sustained.

Azz: "I think Tall Dark And Handsome has a split lip!" she says

novembersmith from x.x.x.60 joined the chat 2 hours ago

Azz: "and Tall Blond and Gorgeous's tie is askew."

Azz: "And there's blood on his sweater."

novembersmith: well, something exciting is happening.

Eva: "Ooo, in that case do you need the ambulance or the police" the operator asks

Azz: Nick tosses Edward into a shelf, and glass chemical bottles rain down.

Azz: Clouds of vapor billow up from the floor, and Edward's jumper catches on fire.

Eva: The acid eats at one of the Sues hands and the operator can hear their girlish screams

Azz: (This is, however, a boy named Sue)

Eva: (the operator is under the impression that it might be a 5yearold named Grace and begins to try and get the location off of the brighter Sue)

Azz: (Sadly, the location that the Sue distractedly gives is on the other side of town.)

Azz: She would have given the correct location, but Edward is so very hot.

Eva: (Fortunately an elderly lady had just dropped a small child and was very grateful for the ambulance)

Azz: at least 233 degrees and climbing

Eva: Nick figures the fruit-pie should not still be standing.

Eva: and kicks his feet out from under him

Azz: Nick pulls an enchanted knife out from his pocket.

Eva: The schools sprinklers and fire alarms go off.

Eva: Scattering the students behind the shed and by the lockers

Azz: Nick is surprised and alarmed when the knife bends.

**Author's Note:**

> Azz: (and alas, I have to get to bed so I get some sleep before technical morning)
> 
> Eva: (fair call)
> 
> Azz: (but there will be angst and glory and violence!)
> 
> Eva: (in the technical morning?)
> 
> Azz: (and very confused ambulance drivers)
> 
> Azz: (it's 6am)
> 
> yellow from x.x.x.76 joined the chat 2 hours ago
> 
> Azz: (at 9am the farmers market opens)
> 
> Eva: (Do you have to be there?)
> 
> Azz: (so it's morning now and morning then)
> 
> Azz: (yep)
> 
> Azz: (like I said, evil magicians &amp; my sleep schedule)
> 
> Azz from x.x.x.5 changed name to Azz|zzz 2 hours ago
> 
> Eva: Nov: Hi, was it as exciting as you hoped (Azz: we will visit those with the solution)
> 
> novembersmith: it was pretty exciting and mystifying at the same time
> 
> novembersmith: The boy named Sue made me giggle a lot.
> 
> novembersmith: And I am especially excited for the very confused ambulance drivers
> 
> Eva: To be honest the boy named Sue probably giggles a lot, not at all like the one in the song who fights a lot.
> 
> novembersmith: OH WAIT. This was a Twilight crossover! That makes it so much more hilarious!
> 
> novembersmith: I'm a little slow this morning
> 
> Eva: Yeah it was, I have not actually read either book but I did find the fic (Growing Up Cullen) Azz was using
> 
> novembersmith: Growing Up Cullen is hilarious and far superior to the actual books
> 
> novembersmith: really, i cannot convey how superior
> 
> novembersmith: superior to the Twilight books, that is, not to TDL.
> 
> Eva: naturally


End file.
